My destiny lies in.... sandwiches

Well, hello again. It is I, The Limpet, wizard, albeit in somewhat reduced circumstances. Yes, the Limpocolypse cometh, or comethed, or something, the details of which I fear I must relay to you now.

Well, all I can say is I know how Napoleon felt on the island of Elba. Deserted by my minions! Alas! You'll see, I'll tell you about it when my grimace has built up to a critical point and I can bear reliving the experience. The things I do for you.... In the meantime, I will describe my present condition.


OK, I admit it; I had to do it and I'm as sorry as you and indeed all prospective minions will be on hearing this. I'm now in the employ of Barry the Gnome, owner and proprietor of Barry the Gnome's Premier Sandwich Manufactury and Related Industries. Ha! "Premier" - that's a laugh! I've seen what he puts in the fish paste... *Sigh*, what a fate for someone with such previous potential for mystic power! If you remember, I mentioned that a gnome at the Ebon Tower of Unyielding Gloom showed me the vacancy notice - in the circumstances, I could have done worse....

Oh well, I SUPPOSE I'd better tell you how I ended up here, but I make no apologies if it's depressing. I could, of course, describe a titanic sorcerous battle, full of fantastic neon fireballs, thundering flames and arcane transfigurations in which I suffered a tragic and totally unfair reversal due to some underhanded and cowardly tactics employed by my adversary. I could say that, but it would, in fact, be slightly distorting the truth. Actually, it pains me to say this, it didn't go anything like that.

As soon as Eldrigar fixed his eyes on mine, as he stood there imperiously in the fading light, his expression seemed to change to that of someone who'd discovered they'd trodden in something unpleasant while walking in the park. OK, I admit, my appearance after the consumption of Grott's secret formula wasn't terribly impressive, but despite the sudden horror I felt in seeing him suddenly appear at my door, especially having recently heard of his abnormal prowess, I couldn't get over the feeling of how monumentally galling his insufferable sneer was. Still, I don't mind admitting that being suddenly transformed into a pile of ash at a wave of his hand was actually the thought foremost on my mind. He looked briefly around the room, taking in Maevrin, who was twisted awkwardly around to watch him as she sat at the kitchen table, then he seemed to sigh and shake his head in mock exasperation, before fixing his eyes back on mine.

"Get out," he said, simply.

I stared at him in disbelief.

"But, this is my home," I said, with as much righteous indignation in my voice as I could muster (not much, I'm afraid)

"I don't care," he responded flatly, his face mocking, "It's an eyesore, and I'm fed up with it; I'm fed up with you. This is my land now."

At this point, Maevrin got up from the kitchen table and sidled over to me.
"Go on," she whispered, her face almost eager, "Tell him to get lost!"

I looked at her with a mixture of horror and indignation.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I whispered breathlessly, noticing with alarm the irritation starting to spread across Eldrigar's face, "What happened to all those sarcastic remarks from before? Now we're standing here facing certain doom, and you're suddenly cheering me on?"

Maevrin looked away. I think it must have been the alcohol talking. At that moment, I noticed Grott was there, standing right beside me, though I hadn't seen him enter the room. Eldrigar began to talk again, his voice becoming dangerously brittle.

"I'm not going to make it any more clear than this. Get out, all of you, stop wasting my time. Well?"

I lowered my gaze from his. What could I do? I knew I was beaten, I just couldn't believe it was all over so quickly.

"I'll go," I said, quietly.

All that remained was to go trooping out of the front door beneath Eldrigar's insufferable smile. Honestly, is it not enough for some people just to merely exist? You know? For some people, existing's not nearly enough, no, they've got to cause nothing but trouble for other people.

Once I'd reached a safe distance, I tuned my attention to Grott, who was following at my side. I put on a slightly sickly grin.

"Well, Grott," I said, with ineffectual forced brightness, "I suppose you'll be up for coming along with me? An exciting new life beckons, I'm sure."

Grott looked at me steadily, the gathering dusk casting his small black eyes into dark, deep shadows. Then something happened that I couldn't have predicted. He slowly shook his head, stared at me for a moment, then began to walk slowly away in the direction of Zarfang, until he became lost in the twilight.

I turned away from him, feeling almost like laughing. I noticed Maevrin was standing a short way off, but she wasn't meeting my gaze. I began to walk.

"Go home," I said, not looking back. "And for your information, I can't do any magic"

****

Well, I told you it was depressing, didn't I? Oh well, never mind, I think I was only conning myself in thinking I could make it as a genuine dark mage anyway, plus I can now get all the sandwiches I can eat, which you've got to admit is pretty good. Discovering from that sprout that my great uncle wasn't even a dark wizard should have told me I had it wrong all along anyway - I'll keep wizardry as a hobby, rather than a profession, I think, I'm sure to get the hang of it one day (I'm still accepting minions). You know, what I wouldn't give to get my own back on that revolting wizard.... one day, maybe.

I must say Grott jumping ship when the chips were down was a bit of a blow, though. I did only get his services due to him randomly knocking on the door, so easy come, easy go, I suppose. Anyone affected by the unreasonable gloominess of the previous passages should practice a technique I'm thinking of patenting. First, stretch your arms out beside you and breath in. Then, squat down while gradually breathing out, stand up while gradually breathing in and then say "HOOMANAHAA!" with as much vigour as you can manage. Repeat as many times as necessary. Oh yes, and please note, it's probably helpful if nobody sees you doing this.

Right, well, tune in next time, in which I will describe the AMAZING lifestyle and CRAZY characters here at the sandwich factory! Gnomes guaranteed! Please don't report anything I say to any public heath officials. Bye for now!